What is People Pleasing Costing You?
Let's talk about being a people pleaser.
I would consider myself a people pleaser. People-pleasing is so deeply rooted in my core character that I had no idea how much of myself I was giving up on. Riding on the "high" of the benefits of over-giving myself was masking the damage I was doing to myself. A good chunk of my relationships were one-sided, me giving and others gladly accepting my generosity. Not once did I become aware of the imbalance here. I was continually overcommitted, overwhelmed, feeling drained and glum. This new feeling began to emerge for me: RESENTMENT.
This realization was essentially life-changing for me. Throughout my journaling, I realized that this resentment I was feeling was stemming from my people-pleasing behaviours. Over time the bitterness kept building, deepening and brewing under the surface until I reached the point of burnout. My realization of the unbalance in my relationships and lack of reciprocity was limiting my potential and significantly impacting MY NEEDS and WANTS as others' happiness replaced them. This was a huge personal expense; pleasing came at the cost of my thoughts, emotions, wants, needs and feelings.
Take a minute and ask yourself, what is being a pleaser costing you?
The more time we spent worry about pleasing others, is time away from pleasing ourselves. Okay, not that way – get your head out of the gutter.
To please others, we deny them the opportunity to give, support, help and love us equally. It seems redundant, right? This can lead to an unspoken indebtedness within your relationship that both parties have not agreed upon. How does this contribute to a healthy relationship? IT DOESN'T; instead, it holds the other person captive to reimburse us for our service and expense. How can our relationships be genuine if they are that one-sided? They aren't. How can they be? These relationships are based on dishonesty or at the least, not full disclosure, so where is the genuine connection or foundation? Kind of sad to think about it, right?
There is a difference between being genuine and authentic and being a people pleaser. Making a friend or someone you care about happy, should not cost you anything. Believe it or not, when we are the truest, most genuine and authentic version of ourselves, that is where we build and develop healthy and prospering relationships. Suppose we are hung up on people-pleasing. In that case, our lives and relationships are founded in half-truths preventing us from truly connecting, limiting our ability to love others and ourselves, creating unspoken expectations that become the breeding ground for our old friend resentment. So, what do we do?
BREAK THE HABIT.
Discover what you truly want, big or small. People pleasing can come in the form of something so little like are we having pizza or sushi for dinner. If you don't want sushi, stand up for your want, voice your opinion. If you have been hung up on pleasing for too long, you may not be clear on what you want in many aspects of your life. You owe it to yourself to find out and then go for it!
Allow yourself to be equal. Take a minute and think about what a healthy relationship is to you, romantic or friendly. Allow other's the opportunity to take on the role of helper, determine the flow and reciprocity that you are content with.
Start a self-care routine. Pleasers often neglect their self-care because the pleasing takes over. When we are giving without considering ourselves or unaware of thoughts and feelings, the resentment begins to creep in. Over time, this increases to the point of explosion, and our tolerance becomes non-existent. You keep pushing those resentful feelings down, further and further, putting on a brave, happy face for the world to the point you lash out at your loved ones. We forget to check in with ourselves. Self-care is an investment in ourselves, a time to become in touch with ourselves and learn to put our needs first.
Re-evaluate and redefine your boundaries and make them firm. It is often easier to be a pleaser because you don't know how to say no, avoid conflict, or are afraid of being disliked.
Next time before you agree to something, take a minute and ask yourself these questions:
Will saying yes pull me away from another part of my life or commitment that is important to me?
Does this align with my values?
Do I have the time and energy to add this to my plate?
How have I taken care of myself – Do I need rest?
Is this costing me something?
For pleasers, giving is their drug of choice and saying no goes against our entire mindset and values. The validation we receive from others makes us feel safe, important and loved and provides us with a distraction from looking at our real truths. Know the cost of pleasing, break the habit and don't give up on yourself. Most of all, permit yourself to receive love, support, help, happiness and space.
If our energy was a currency, would you be so inclined to spend it?
