Parent Guilt…When Does It End?
Picture this. My six-year-old is on the couch with his iPad, my 20-month-old is glued to the tv, on his fourth episode of the Bubble Guppies elbows deep in a bag of Cheetos. I'm sitting on the couch drinking a coffee that I made four hours ago and warmed up six times, while scrolling through Tik-Tok losing brain cells by the minute in track pants and a hoodie with baby snot all over it, cute right? My husband just gets home from work and jumps right onto a business call. I look up from my phone and see the remains of the tornado that ran through my house. I glance at the clock 5:06pm, shit, I didn't take any meat out for dinner. I go back to my phone and see a video of a well-put-together mom, full make-up, dressed up in her cute ass outfit, looking fab playing with her three young kids like it's the only thing she wants to be doing. I stop, exit the app, look at my kids, and suddenly it looms in...
"How lazy are you, this lady has THREE kids, YOUNGER than yours, and she's got it under control."
"screen time, again, really?"
"If someone walked in here right now, they would be disgusted with this mess".
Well, well, well, the PARENT GUILT sinks in..
As parents, I'm sure most of us are familiar with it; however, maybe some of you have never heard of it or have never experienced it. Maybe some of you can't escape the pervasive feeling of not being a good enough parent, think you're not making the right decisions for your kids or just worrying about fucking up their lives in the long run. Am I doing this right? Can I ask for help? Am I allowed to take time for myself? Is it ok to have bad days? Are my kids going to turn out ok?
Whether we are working parents, stay at home parents, or something in between; EVERYONE has their own version of what I like to call "the parenting demons". Sure, sometimes my kids use screens more than i'd like, eat unhealthy meals or snacks, have attitude. Sometimes, I yell, get angry, feel defeated and like a failure. Do I love them? Absolutely. So why does all the rest matter.
I get it. I get this feeling all the time, but what can we do about it? Perspective. Take a step back, take a deep breath and cut yourself some damn slack. Parenting is the most complex, demanding, challenging and most humbling job on the planet, no matter how prepared or "qualified" you are for it. Remind yourself, we all have challenges with our kids and in our roles as mothers. None of us are perfect. Who the hell wants to be. The more time you worry about screwing your kids up, the less time you have to spend enjoying them. Perspective. Take some time for YOURSELF. You can't expect yourself to be the best version for your kids if you're not taking the time to take care of yourself. Self-care is a hard pill to swallow. This is my biggest weakness but also my strongest desire. If you're overwhelmed, stressed out, tired as hell, yeah, you're probably going to be a bitch to everyone around you, I sure am. Take a long bath, have that extra glass of wine, whatever it is that brings you some inner peace, MAKE TIME FOR IT!
When did "good enough" stop being good enough? If you love your kids, you make time for them, laugh and smile with them, make rational choices, do the best you can with what you have, that's good enough. Piss on all that other crap. If we put forth as much effort in supporting each other in being the best parents we can be, as some people put into shaming parents, being "good enough" would free us as parents and allow our kids to live our perfectly imperfect lives. BECAUSE GOOD ENOUGH IS GOOD ENOUGH.
My best friend send me this poem the other day, and it resonated with me so much as a mom; a mom whose busy, whose questioning everything she does, whose tired and worn out. I think all the parents out there need to read it. Here it is:
"No, I don't owe you an explanation.
I don't need to explain to you why my child uses a pacifier and why I still let him use it.
No, I don't need to tell you why my toddler is STILL not potty trained.
I don't owe you a reason for not breastfeeding
Nor a reason for exclusively pumping though I'm a stay-at-home mom.
I don't owe you a reason for letting him cry it out.
Or why I rush to him every time he calls for me.
I don't owe you a reason for raising my first a certain way and my second another.
For giving sugary cereals or allowing TV to run for longer than an episode or two.
For not allowing certain behaviors, shows, cellphones, or sleepovers.
I break the rules when I want and stand firm as I like.
I let go of routine on days I wish to and strictly follow schedules on the other ones.
I don't owe you a thing.
My motherhood choices are not based on your approval, they're based on mine.
I reap its benefits, and cry out with guilt when no one's around.
Your motherhood journey is carved by your values, and mine is carved by mine.
You may not agree. You may not understand. You may disapprove. You can.
And while you share your unsolicited advice with me, know that I am just listening.
Because in my heart I know, I don't owe you an explanation.
credit to: Tumkeen (her Instagram is @thepoetryoftumkeen)
Wow right? Speechless. Moms/Parents, please, do your selves a favour and keep doing YOU. We don't owe others an explanation. But at the same time, be mindful of what unsolicited advice we are giving to other mom's out there.
We are parenting in crazy circumstances right now; there's no book on this. Love your kids, take care of yourself and make time for yourself and your needs, and keep going because YOU'VE GOT THIS!
SENDING LOVE TO ALL THE PARENTS OUT THERE.
