Are You Allowing Yourself True Self-Care or Justifying Your Distractions?

You can read about "self-care" everywhere. We are warned about the potential consequences of not doing it, and photos of spa days fill our Instagram pages with "self-care" as a hashtag. Ironically, regardless of the growing popularity of the idea, the majority of people continue to struggle to prioritize themselves and their needs. The biggest challenge to our own self-care practice is that we do not feel worthy of it. Self-care extends beyond how to do it or why we do it, it is about genuinely believing that we DO DESERVE it.

For years, I searched for something "more" to bring happiness living by the motto TREAT YOUR SELF. I was buying clothes left, right and center, spending money on things I wanted and did not need, justifying all my purchases with the idea that I DESERVED it. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, but this was my self-care routine. There I was feeling insecure as hell about my weight, hating how all of my clothes fit, yet continued to buy more and more to feel better, self-care right? Eating like garbage, then punishing myself with thoughts about what workouts I needed to do to "work it off". Did I stop to think about if I DESERVED to punish myself for eating that piece of pizza or wrestling with the guilt I felt when I didn't work out?

Self-care is often thrown around as an "in the moment" action or something we do for its fun. Society, movies, social media have fooled us into believing that when you require some self-care, a night out with the gals, a bath with rose petals or a mani-pedi will solve all of your problems, and you will be as good as gold. This mentality of I deserve it, just because and that in the moment, boastful behaviour has opened the door for selfish behaviour and a chance for people across the board to flaunt their behaviour. Although we avoid acknowledging the red flag or the little voice in our head saying this isn't self-care, this is self-sabotage. Instead, these actions of ours have been welcomed, accepted and cheered on by others.

What are you using to hide the real, secret, negative self-worth that you genuinely feel when you look in the mirror? A spray tan? New nails? An extra piece of cheesecake? A new outfit every week? Bottomless mimosas?

Most struggle to build and maintain self-care practices, often giving excuses such as "I don't have the time, the money or the energy to do so". Self-care is more profound than the inability to decide between which pair of jeans to treat ourselves to. The failure to decide stems from our self-worth. Indeed it has nothing to do with the jeans at all. When we change our beliefs about ourselves, gain clarity about our significance in this life, you MAKE the time, FIND the money, and MUSTER the energy to PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

Of course, it is possible; you must dig deep and be open and willing to challenge some of our beliefs or what we have been told: that self-care is selfish, to be a good person, we must be selfless and altruistic, that we must put the needs of others above our own. That's what makes you a good partner, parent, employee, spouse and person, right? Yes, indeed, it is important to be kind, caring and compassionate, but how often do we do it at the expense of our well-being? How often do we dismiss our own needs, belittle what is important to us, or what is important to us can wait? Sound familiar?

So how do we know if something is genuinely contributing to our self-care?

So if eating an entire box of chocolates, some retail therapy or brunch with the girls is not self-care, what the hell is?

Simply put, if whatever activity you choose to engage in brings about any measure of guilt or negative feelings, it is not genuinely self-care.

Say you've had a bad day, so you decide to hit the town and spend some money, yet you find yourself spending un-budgeted cash on stuff you don't need or can't afford to feel better. That is not self-care; that is a coping strategy. Better yet, getting your nails done every two weeks because you need "me time". All the while, you're only indulging for peripheral reasons; trying to fit in with your friends, an attempt to sell the belief that you'll appear more desirable. When in reality, as you sit in that chair watching each nail be painted, all you can think about is stressing about money, arguing with your husband and feel guilty about pawning off the kids on the babysitter. That's not self-care.

So then, what is REAL self-care?

Rather than guilt, you will feel relief, happiness, and pride in the activities you engage in. You want to seek activities that improve your quality of life. Perhaps it is creating a healthy sleep schedule, a new exercise routine, or carving out time for doing absolutely nothing.

For me, this wasn't easy and is still a work in progress. I traded in my shopping habit for a personal trainer. I grew tired of covering up my negative self-worth with new tops and stretchy jeans and chose to invest in a healthier lifestyle and build my self-worth.

Your understanding of what self-care means to you will change and evolve as you learn about yourself and your needs. It may not be easy, it will take time, but it is ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT.

So, I'm asking you, are you ready to kick self-care in the ass and take control of your own body, heart and mind?